checked in
2019 Archive
You just keep calling
I cant seem to find a second to pick up
Easier to let it hit the voicemail
Then to take a minute to say whats up
Guess I’m good at isolation
I studder often when communicating
I speak poetically cryptic
I wish I could find a decent conversation
Peace of mind.
oh, thank heavens!
May 2020, archive
You have made it.
You decided lust wasn’t enough.
A man wrote a copy of the manual to your heart to replace the one that was stolen.
For you. From you. For you.
Without asking.
Just out of the kindness of his heart he had the capacity to share.
You’ll sabotage things between you two, before things even get the chance to grow. You’ll dream. You’ll execute.
I’m watching you bloom like a lotus.
You really do wear this new air of understanding.
Maybe he’ll return to you.
Maybe he won’t.
Do you wish for his happiness or long for his vessel?
To possess.
To process loss.
You don’t have to let this go,
But you absolutely have to let it be.
Wanting him to be free is the freest you’ve ever been.
Until then, stay crazy.
Unconditional.
-
Pull me closer.
Pull me closer.
Pull me closer.
- Note to Self
There’s a heart underneath all that mess.
burned for beauty
You are the only being I love more than music. I would rather go blind than see you unfulfilled. I would give my ears if it helps you to hear. My eyes, for you to see.
Yes, I love you more than music. I do.
You are free to do anything on this planet and this is where you have decided? To bring joy and freedom? You give me respect and show gratitude. Humble. I will never possess you. I refuse to be a possession.
I can be a base. I can hold it down when things get hectic. I spent years torturing myself and making sure I could handle all types of pain. Internal. External. Emotional. Spiritual. Physical. Abstained from mirrors. Isolation. I gave away my purpose to selfishly indulge in company and wasted time. I refuse to waste another minute alive, asleep. I value myself. I value my time. I value the time I spend with myself, now. Being alone is no longer torture and I’ve reached the point where I have unconditional love to give- that is true. Time is love.
I want to spend my time in this temple. Please allow me to reintroduce myself.
Impression
Autumn 2019 Archive
I admit my impression of love is a little fucked
I admit I’ve hurt some people
Am I aloud to yell?
Can I stomp my feet and tell everyone that HE HURT ME TOO?
To be honest,
it doesn’t matter.
We’re all kind of trash in our own way.
Some people recycle better than others.
I’m trying to find ways to keep myself company and ways to stay in love with myself but I’m bored.
Does this mean I am boring?
What do I have to offer?
Do I have anything left?
...or have I let every man who has broken my heart break the things I’m also passionate about?
Fucking weak.
You’re fucking weak.
Admittance.
Fall in love with yourself and the rest will follow.
You know what makes you happy.
You’re allowed to love different men for different reasons with out being in love...
Let go of your self doubt and this suffocating judgement. Why do this to yourself?
You’re trying too hard to fall in love with the idea of someone else.
It feels good to be weird.
Who were you before the world got its hands on you?
process
Summer 2019 Archive
Here to stay.
Suicide is not an option.
I’ve spent days, nights, afternoons in the light - dreaming of my death.
Why so gruesome?
Why so serious.
Now…
…we’re getting too personal….
The craziest part in all of this is I still find the time to call myself names.
I still find the time to hate myself.
I still find the time to be angry with my past.
I still find the time to want myself to do better.
I still find the time to love people that hurt me.
I still find the time to hold faith when odds are never in my favor.
Perhaps I should try to see myself as favorable.
wandering
Summer 2019 Archive
The past few weeks of my life have been nothing short of pure chaos.
I feel like I can only really blame myself, because - I allowed it to escalate.
We allow things to make us feel a certain way.
When will we find the strength to speak up for ourselves and find strength in “NO”?
Setting boundaries.
Limits to love?
Never.
I just want to say no and not feel bad about it.
Blood is not a compelling reason to keep company with evil people.
I won’t be like them.
You give me a taste
You leave my heart open like a wound.
Clean it with your own tongue
Salt boils to the brim ;
With an air of anger
Disappointment
alas
Gratitude
You feed into my emotional needs
Leaving me lonely
I sound upset but
Im happy
I feel good
I feel grown
I feel okay on my own
I feel lucky
I feel light
The smell of your skin would keep me up at night
Thank you for your selfish ignorance
A blessing that is too frequently overlooked
Show a little bit
Move on with it
lady
2019 Archive
You overdose on bliss.
Dance hours with a vision.
Play pretend.
Dress up.
The show is over.
The curtains close.
Theres much to do.
Please put me to bed.
“I’d rather your body than half of your heart.”
Im not sure I can do this anymore.
Can we drive until we find somewhere warm to swim?
But, it’s just me.
I cut the weight.
Purge the pain.
I’ve started to throw everything away.
Today.
Clarity.
Can we just do this until it’s not fun anymore?
Come back to earth.
Clarity.
Take a bath instead.
You don’t have to be lonely, alone.
chi
Jan 2019 Archive
Youre aloud to feel disrespected.
Put that feeling in your chest.
Tell me how you feel,
Letting him put his hands around your neck.
So you stay alone.
The idea of being loved the way you love; makes you uneasy.
We could just lay on the floor and take turns fucking and flipping records.
My kind of love.
This gets old, one day.
We grow bored.
Things feel simulated.
I take my tree as prescribed,
Keep my psyche stimulated.
You resent my ways, my methods,
Tell me my love was jaded.
Then you get faded,
And say things are just too complicated.
I don’t get it.
- easy breezy
This shit could be sweet,
peasy,
Oh so, lemon squeezy.
I’m on your lips like a perfectly ripe clementine.
So let’s fuck and keep it simple,
Flip the record another time.
Coitus
2018 Archive
Beg for it.
I’m in love with music more than I love you
That’s the truth
Maybe I’m not in love with you
I love what you do
Your infatuations
Quiet persuasion
The way your eye contact can shut down a conversation
Who’s to say what I’m saying isn’t worth debating?
For now we let it go..
I’ll keep walking down that road.
sex
I want you to feel the same way I feel when I look at the other women. I want you to judge me. I want you to hate me. I want you to love me. I want you to want me to be happy. You have worked hard. I deserve freedom.
I want you to feel the same way I’ve felt about every man I’ve ever loved. Crave how my skin feels, remember my hungry eyes. I want you to feel what I feel when I look at myself.
I promise this only gets better.
December 06, 2018
Okay, I know it’s not right - from a mans perspective. Right?
To crave metamorphosis; evolving into this visual weapon.
Theres more to meet the eye. Wouldn’t it be nice?
I want you to feel the same way I feel when I look at the other women. I want you to judge me. I want you to hate me. I want you to love me. I want you to want me to be happy. You have worked hard. I deserve freedom.
I want you to feel the same way I’ve felt about every man I’ve ever loved. Crave how my skin feels, remember my hungry eyes. I want you to feel what I feel when I look at myself.
I promise this only gets better.
